Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
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Thank Satan it’s Monday.
This pepper has seen some shit
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
How animals would run if they were human