can you read it!!??
maan!
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I love you to the refrigerator and back
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Here’s a meme
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
oh my gosh!!
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds