FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.