Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Do not steal food from the science building!
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I just tested negative for patience.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.