Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
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me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
But that’s none of my business
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
😬
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend