Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Nice try, poison.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
this is so top tier i cant
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*