FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I’m about to risk it all
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
moms in horror movies
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.