Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
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[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
brian had himself a morning…
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.