FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
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Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall