Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
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I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I have a black belt in leather
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?