Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Happy weekend !
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok