Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.