Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television