Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
britain’s three elite institutions
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.