PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
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Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.