Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
This guy gets it.
Smile they said.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.