Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
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Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
me irl
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.