@Maxine12333: Friend gave me a 'stress' ball to squeeze when I'm tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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@QwertyJones3: TIME TRAVELER: I'm here from the future ME: Really? Who wins the election? TT: Omg it's such a disgrace ME: You need to be more specific
@PhilJamesson: Waiter: And how would you like your steak? Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: ... umm... flavor blasted?
@citizenkawala: Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
@robfee: Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.