@tamytoo2: Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan
@imadepoopstoday: [job interview]
"We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position."
It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it.
"...yes."
@briangaar: Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
@Not_a_JesusGirl: Santa is a smart guy. Visits people only once a year.
@Spaced_Cowboy00: Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can't remember why I stood up.
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