@tamytoo2: Actual text from 17 y/o son: kin u com bi nd swoop me? I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan

@imadepoopstoday: [job interview] "We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position." It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it. "...yes."

@briangaar: Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

@Not_a_JesusGirl: Santa is a smart guy. Visits people only once a year.

@Spaced_Cowboy00: Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can't remember why I stood up.