@QwertyJones3: TIME TRAVELER: I'm here from the future ME: Really? Who wins the election? TT: Omg it's such a disgrace ME: You need to be more specific

@PhilJamesson: Waiter: And how would you like your steak? Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: ... umm... flavor blasted?

@citizenkawala: Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

@robfee: Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.

@kentgrossarth: I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm here.