Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?