FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Leonardo DiCaprisun
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself