*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
You Might Also Like
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.