*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?