friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Meow
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails