friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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My time has come.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix