her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.