ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I love it all
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?