Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
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*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
How to find Kentucky on a map
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.