FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Never thought I鈥檇 be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he鈥檚 here
Me: 馃槼
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Don鈥檛 be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i鈥檓 thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don鈥檛 feel so bad anymore.