Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way