you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
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Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.