Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
You Might Also Like
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.