FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
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[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“I FIXED IT!”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.