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@eff_yeah_steph: Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
@izrigrod: Naming your cat "Whiskers" is like naming your kid "Eyebrows."
@TheQuietPsycho: When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk
I can't even make this up
@Reverend_Scott: [dies and goes to Heaven]
GOD: Hello, welcome to-
ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS?
GOD: Right this way.
@3sunzzz: Friend: I'm engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
@girlnarly: lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you