Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof