Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.