KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Wednesday
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
*praying for world peace*
God:
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner