Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You Might Also Like
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”