Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
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This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.