FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
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FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle