Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
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is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
🤣could you imagine
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.