Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
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GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.