Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
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I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
good work, detective
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?