Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
reviewed some movies recently
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?