Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
You Might Also Like
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.