@callingCQ: Friend: "I grilled some chickens over the weekend."
Me: "Did you get the information that you were looking for?"
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@TheTweetOfGod: "Creation science" has the same intellectual heft as "dragon anatomy".
@JasonBerlin: 1. Bang knee on table - curse life. 2. Check credit card balance. 3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.
@AntozWolf: "I'm having a public meltdown!!" - A Snowman, maybe.
@sulkywhitegirl: I like how my autocorrect changes "hun" to "Hun," like I'm playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.
@Jam453Lane: Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I'm drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.
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