Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall