@callingCQ: Friend: "I grilled some chickens over the weekend."
Me: "Did you get the information that you were looking for?"
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@Lama911: Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
@leannuh_renay: According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
@thongbeard: Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
@LeahGoRound: Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.
@badAzz_mom: You're not allowed to say "long story short" after talking for 30 minutes.
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