friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense