Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Risking my life for fun.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral