Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
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The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
never compromise your values
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it