FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
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*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.