Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here